I wish the person I'm writing about today wasn't me, but it is. I don't know how it happened.....well, yes I do really. As I look back on it now, its been a couple of months since I've gone to church; I barely take the time to take my bible off the shelf next to my bed. I can hardly seem to pray, to look up into the eyes of the one I've loved for so long. Looking back now I can see how I came to this point - a seminary student barely connected to God.
I work every other Sunday, and though through a scheduling anomaly I should be able to go to church every other Sunday I work, I rarely get there on those days due to lack of sleep. Like many Christians, I have a bad history with churches, because of which church is not a place I feel at home most of the time. Since I have to skip practically every other Sunday, it became easier to skip on Sundays I didn't have to work as well. My schedule was making it easier to avoid my fears than to deal with them, and so making them stronger.
I knew the problem was getting worse, but I didn't know what to do about it. Every time I would think about all that I needed to do in my spiritual life, about how far off-track I was getting, I would almost have a panic attack. I felt like God was disappointed with me, like I couldn't do anything right. I suppose I have heard the verses about how God chastens those he loves, because I kept feeling like God was going to have to slap me on the back of the head so that I could get my head on straight.*
Well, as I was going about my life felling this way something happened to change all that. I went to class a few days ago when the teacher wheeled in a big TV and popped in a DVD. It was a video of some preacher giving a sermon, and as I watched I felt my soul getting fed; I had a niggling thought at the back of my head that I just couldn't seem to grasp. The next morning a friend talked me into going to chapel to hear the special music, of which he was a part. We usually don't have chapel on that day, but there were some VIPs in town. As I listened to the speaker again it felt as if my soul was being watered by a gentle rain dropping down from heaven, and again the thought returned.** This time i was able to grasp it - God had brought church to me.
Though in reality I did deserve that smack on the back of the head, God in His infinite mercy had chosen to reach out to me, to provide that which I so desperately needed but was to stubborn and wounded to go get on my own. In truth that's how God is - amazingly patient with our mistakes and failures, picking us up when we fall yet again. I for one am thankful, and yesterday I walked back into my church without even breaking into a sweat and was feed yet again.
I am not saying that I have yet attained that Christian walk which I'm striving for, but that I am once again pressing forward toward the "goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."*** So I guess the score is now God 24,109,289,763, Backslidin' Christian 0.
*Hebrews 12:6
**The Merchant of Venice, Act IV, Scene I:
"The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath."
***Philippians 3:12-14
I have come to the conclusion that teenagers are very important to God's design of the world - they are His fail-safe to insure that humans do not over-populate the world. They are little agents of natural selection. Why else would cute and sweet little children morph into vitriolic despots of stupidity? Why else would their frontal lobe go into hibernation the day they turn thirteen and not awaken until they reach their twenty's? Obviously, it is so that humans will not overrun the earth, so that their population will be kept in control by the stupidity and annoyance of teens. They either do things so dumb that they reduce their own numbers naturally, or annoy adults to the point that their numbers are reduced in other ways.
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