The Desires of My Heart

I was reading my bible this morning - well, not my bible per say because I was reading it online at oneplace.com - when i came across a passage in the Psalms that said to praise the Lord and not forget His benefits, "who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases....who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed."* I like that. He satisfies our desires with good things, not necessarily the things we desire. I don't always desire good things - sometimes I want a chocolate shake and fries, or a big piece of pie with whipped cream, or a towering pile of beignets, heavily dusted with powdered sugar, from Cafe Du Monde. (My mouth is watering at the very thought!) I truly doubt that there is anything on earth as tasty as a hepping pile of hot beignets, except maybe a good calzone! No, I do not always desire what is good for me, like celery - a totally useless vegetable in my opinion. It barely has any taste, and what taste it does have isn't even tasty!
It is a good thing I do not get the desires of my heart because I would probably be spherical - though I once heard of a philosopher that said that in heaven we will all be spherical because the sphere is the perfect shape! In the book of Luke, Jesus talks of how God gives good things, and of how if our earthly fathers who are imperfect give their kids good things, God will surely give with even more largess.** God is good to us - He fills our needs, He covers our shame, He pays our unpayable debts, He satisfies our desires. What more could we ask for? Powered sugar?

*Psalm 130:2-5 **Luke 11:9-13

Sunrise and the Night is Donne

The night is at its end. A few minutes ago it was firmly in place, but now the horizon to my right is tinged with purple surmounted with teal, while the horizon to my left still retains vestiges of the slumbering night upon its dark blue face. The moon hangs as silent sentry above me, smiling down with its Cheshire half-grin. It started slowly, but now traces of purple line a gold and rose hued sky to my right while the birds raise a joyful symphony underlaid by the grumblings of the waking city. A ruddy light gilds the undersides of clouds the same color as the delicate lavender haze that edges the horizon.
There is something about the sunrise that makes the soul feel free, as if it could break the fragile fetters that bind it to this temporal plane and taking wing, return to the heavens which are by right its natural home. Too son the harsh light of day will reveal what was known all along - that the fleshly ties that bind us to this finite world, though fragile, are strong and are not ours to break. One day, someday, the soul will fly free and wing its way to God, but not today; not now. In the full light of day the world again seems ordinary, no longer gilded by the first rays of the sun. In those first golden gleams it seems that we can see the world as it is, as it was meant to be - before we screwed it up. It as if our souls have descended into a deep slumber, numbed by the powers of night, and in those few transient moments between night and day, our souls stir and for a brief instant remember what they are, who they are, and then sleep again dulls our eyes, and we see only what can be seen.
I cannot see the sunrise with out remembering that I am more than what I am, more than a pile of bones surmounted with living flesh. I am this, and I am more. I am a living flame, a spirit delicately wrought by the Eternal Hand. This is curious indeed, and I am truly fearfully and wonderfully made.* Only God could mix the free and formless spirit with mud and come up with something great! Who else even think of doing such a thing? I mean, really - mud?
Sorry if my thoughts today seem odd and wandering....blame it on a friend of mine who got me to read some John Donne...blame it on Donne's Holy Sonnet V: I Am A Little World Made Cunningly. My thoughts are not usually this ethereal and hard to gather. My brain is Donne for! :)

Holy Sonnet V: I Am A Little World Made Cunningly.

I am a little world made cunningly
Of elements and an angelic sprite,
But black sin hath betray'd to endless night
My world's both parts, and oh both parts must die.
You which beyond that heaven which was most high
Have found new spheres, and of new lands can write,
Pour new seas in mine eyes, that so I might
Drown my world with my weeping earnestly,
Or wash it, if it must be drown'd no more.
But oh it must be burnt; alas the fire
Of lust and envy have burnt it heretofore,
And made it fouler; let their flames retire,
And burn me O Lord, with a fiery zeal
Of thee and thy house, which doth in eating heal.
- John Donne (1572-1631)

*Psalm 139:14

This Little Light of Mine...

People are afraid of many things; thats one thing I have learned in my psychology classes! The DSM-IV is full of phobias, ranging from the commonplace to the outlandish, though all painful to those who suffer from them. Wikipedia lists some interesting ones, such as Coulrophobia - fear of clowns, Musophobia - fear of mice or rats, and Nomophobia - the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. I know many people who suffer from that last one; they are the people in the next bathroom stall who are chatting away. Anyway....In speech class they taught us that most people fear public speaking more than death - I can relate. There is one fear that is older, one that is common to man - the fear of the dark. I think this is one we have all suffered from to some extent in one way or another. I was always afraid of the dark growing up. Its not really the dark I'm afraid of though; its the things in the dark that gets to me. Now I get up hours before the sun has even thought of stirring. I sit for hours in the pre-dawn dark, but it doesn't really bother me. Perhaps I have gotten more courageous, or more likely I have gotten soft in the head. Anyhow....I was reading a random selection from the Bible today, when I came across these verses in Issiah:

"Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment."*

I have often done that, have often tried to light my own path only to find that the cheery glow is an illusion, and I sit entwined in shadow. In my years of running from the plans God had for me, (see Seasons of Life) I often tried to light the scary oblivion of my future with a dim hope from the feeble plans for my life I would create. I went through many of them, sometimes coming up with two or three a day. It took me years to learn that there are times in life when God wants you to sit patiently in the dark and wait for the dawn - in His time.

*Issiah 50:10-11

Bluegrass and Golden Gates

I love bluegrass, gospel, and old country music. I've had people laugh at me when they realize I am listening to Marty Robins on my iPod - and thats my new stuff! Anyway, a pastor I know often (occasionally) rags on those types of music. He says they are all about "when we all get to heaven" and not about living out our faith here on earth or some such drivel - as if having an awareness of the next life has no impact on living this one! Personally, I find that songs like Peace in the Valley, Will the Circle Be Unbroken, and When King Jesus Calls His Children Home give me hope and make it easier to live this life now, knowing it will not last forever and that it is not all that is. I need reminding sometimes that the petty squabbles and annoyances of daily life aren't the most important things, that THE most important things are God and eternity - and where I and those around me will spend eternity. One of my favorite songs is A Conversation With Death. The words to the song go something like this:

"O what is this I cannot see, with icy hands gets a hold on me?

O I am death, none can excel. I open the doors of heaven and hell.

O death oh death how can it be, that I must come and go with thee?
O death oh death how can it be? I'm unprepared for eternity!

Yes I have come for to get yer soul, to leave your body and leave it cold. I'll drop the flesh from off your frame. The earth and worm both have their claim.

O death oh death please let me see, if Christ is turned his back on me.

When you were called and asked to bow, you wouldn't take heed and it's too late now.

O death oh death please give me time, to fix my heart and change my mind!

Your heart is thick, your mind is bound, I have the shackles to drag you down ...

Too late! Too late! To all farewell...

Your soul is doomed. You're summoned to hell. As long as god in heaven shall dwell, your soul, your soul, shall scream in hell."

This song always reminds me of the seriousness of the choices we make in life. While for Christians death brings reunions with with loved ones and will finally bring us home, for non-Christians it brings only sorrow, pain, and separation from all that is good. We're not just playing for matchsticks here.

When I hear that song, I can't help but envision a friend of mine suddenly coming to the end of her merry life and saying, "wait a minute....give me a chance to get everything in order - I'm not ready yet!" She, like most people, has enjoyed living her life for her, as if it has no end or consequences. What will she do when it runs out? What will I do, knowing that I know the secret for living happily ever-after?
There is an evangelistic tract called The Big Question, and the big question is this: if you were to die the second you started reading this, where would you go? Its a big question isn't it? Me - I settled that question twenty some odd years ago when I decided I wasn't really perfect and realized that I was a sinner. I knew that I myself couldn't fix what was wrong with me, but I knew Someone who could - Jesus Christ, Son of the living God. He had chosen to die on a cross some two-thousand years ago for the express purpose of paying for my sin-debt - well, I suppose He was also paying for the sins of the whole world.* Anyhow, now death isn't as scary to me now. I mean, I'm not exactly thrilled about the prospect of dieing, (I kind of like being alive) but I also know that death is just a door that opens on eternity, for me an eternity with the God I love.
But still, the last words of that song haunt me: "O death oh death please let me see, if Christ is turned his back on me. When you were called and asked to bow, you wouldn't take heed and it's too late now... Your soul is doomed. You're summoned to hell. As long as god in heaven shall dwell, your soul, your soul, shall scream in hell." The thought of someone I love hearing those words someday sends shivers up mt spine. If that thought doesn't impact the way you live your life now, I don't know what will. I still think what that pastor says about "when we all get to heaven" songs is drivel!

*1st John 2:2

Pearls

Ever since my trip to the beach I've reminiscing about the days of my youth, and I can't help but think of the fun times my sister and I had. Water always seems to glisten in the background of those memories. Playing in my grandmother's pool, catching fish from the lake to put in our aquariums, swimming in the ocean, sitting on a dock besides the river all day every day catching fish one summer, the time my sister pulled me out of a stiff undertow - all of these run through my mind like pearls on a string, glowing softly in the velvety darkness of my mind.
My sister and I don't go play in the water as much as we used to - we both have lives full to the brim and overflowing, but I still hold those memories dear. The Bible says that where your treasure is your heart is, and that is why we should store up our treasures in heaven.* I have to admit though, much of my treasure is here on earth in the form of those I love.

*Matthew 6:21

Just a Shell....Almost!

I went to the beach the other day. I felt I needed to get away for awhile - life has been so busy that I can hardly remember whether I'm coming or going most of the time. The water was shallow a long ways out. I didn't feel comfortable going out far enough to swim, so I walked along the edge of the water, contemplating life and enjoying the feel of sand between my toes. The shoreline was littered with flotsam and jetsam, and I had to walk with care lest I step on something I had rather not. In my wanderings I picked up a pair of seashells, old and spotted with barnacles, making me want to take them home and sketch them - I have not even had the desire to pick up my sketching tools in months. I put them in my bag and forgot about them till I got home and put them on my desk to deal with later. I didn't think of them again until I heard a clunk as one of them rolled off the edge of the desk.
My first though was "mouse," but when I saw the shell on the floor the answer popped into my mind with a sickening thud - "hermit crab." I felt a faint shiver of horror wash over me at the though, and it only solidified as I looked inside to see little legs tightly curled deep inside the shell. The other one was likewise occupied, and I struggled with what to do with them. I dreaded the thought of that peculiar, pungent aroma that only emanates from dead hermit crabs. Well do I remember that smell from my youth! Then I had an epiphany - my sister! (not that she would like them any better than I did - but my nieces might!) I was already planning a visit, so I took my stowaways on one more trip. Needless to say they were a hit - in my opinion, my nieces take after their aunt. Perhaps I flatter myself.
Anyway... The whole episode got me to thinking about appearances, about how something can look good on the outside and yet have a stinky, smelly thing curled up inside of it, and again, how a thing can seem dead and cold on the outside and yet have life hidden deep within it's core, waiting to come out. I wonder how many things in my life are like that - their truth hidden by the obvious. Yet the thought gives me comfort, for I do not always like my "shell," and I would hate to think that all I am is summed up in the reflection in the mirror. I wonder sometimes why I care so much what others think of me, when that is not the sum total of who I am. I have a greater judge who's judgment is not clouded by appearances. In the book of First Samuel, God says, "the Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”* That is both a gladdening and a terrifying thought.

*1 Samuel 16:7

Separating Lights and Darks

Today I tackled a project that has been weighing heavily on my mind recently - laundry. The truth is that I let it pile up 'till it got to the point that I couldn't find a thing because my dirty clothes covered every surface because my clean clothes were still in the hamper because I hadn't bothered to take them out. Why? I hate laundry - the sorting, the washing, the drying, and the folding. Oh the folding! It is the worst part of laundry. Not that I am one of those people who folds everything, but some things require it. So anyway, I hate laundry, so I let it pile up, pretending it doesn't exist until I am almost smothered under the weight of it.
Sometimes I do the same thing with sin in my life - I pretend it isn't there or that it isn't as bad as it is, not that any sin is good. I let it fester and grow in the corner of my heart like a rancid laundry hamper, until it overflows into my daily walk, and I can no longer ignore it. The bad thing about sin (and dirty laundry) is that it contaminates the clean stuff it touches, so that everything has to be washed. The good thing is that, unlike dirty laundry, we don't have to launder our hearts - Someone else is willing, even eager, to do it for us.
John puts it beautifully when he says, "if we live in the light in the same way that God is in the light, we have a relationship with each other. And the blood of his Son Jesus cleanses us from every sin. If we say, "We aren't sinful" we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. God is faithful and reliable. If we confess our sins, he forgives them and cleanses us from everything we've done wrong. If we say, "We have never sinned," we turn God into a liar and his Word is not in us.*
I'm resolving today to keep my laundry hamper in order, but more importantly, to keep my heart in order, so that sin does not hamper my walk. I'm just thankful that Jesus is willing to take care of my dirty laundry if I just bring it to Him. He get things whiter than any bleach!

*1st John 1:7-10

Seasons of Life

It is that season of life again when everything changes. My friends are all facing major changes in their lives. Some are moving away - many actually, and I wonder again how I got to where I am. I have always been somewhat of a loner. I like my own company well enough, and most of my interests can be perused well enough alone. I never had many friends growing up, never really felt their absence. I was always the one who moved away, and creating a new life absorbed most of my time. There was a time when I would say that my best friends were my books, for through them I peered into the hearts of the authors on a level not often reached in friendships. While my literary friends are still close to my heart, for I learned much from them, now I am surrounded by flesh-and-blood friends.
I'm not sure when it happened. I think though, that it was after I stopped running from God. I've been a follower of Christ for over two decades now, which shows my stupidity in still thinking I can follow my own path when He wants me to do something different. There's a reason old preachers called Him the Hound of Heaven - He always gets His man. I ran for quite a few years from my call. I grew up an MK; when I was 16 and my family had returned to the States, I went on a youth retreat with my church - not exactly my thing, but it sounded like it might be fun. One night the speaker asked all who felt that God was calling them to ministry to come forward. I'm not a "come forward" kind of a person - I don't like alter calls because I feel that the response is too often based on emotion rather than conviction, but that night it felt as if God Himself were standing there saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" I felt compelled to answer, and like Isaiah, I said,"Here am I. Send me!"*
Since then I ran from that calling every chance I found. To tell the truth, I was scared, petrified really. After all, who was I to think that God could use ME!? I was no scholar; I possessed no great wisdom or skill to use in His service. I was just me, a third-culture, dyslexic teenager trying to adapt to my culture of origin, fairly unsuccessfully I might add. I was socially irrelevant! What use was I?
When I was about 18 I attended a conference at a seminary in a town near by. The second I set foot on the campus, I knew that this was the place God wanted me to go to school. That very day I picked up an application, yet when it came time to fill it out, my fears rushed in to overwhelm me and drown out God's leading. I thought, "surely there is no way I could stand the workload there - I am dyslexic after all, and I am no writer, and you have to write lots of papers in seminary. There is no way; I will do something else with my life instead." It wasn't like there was nothing I could do. You see, when I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a child, the specialist recommended that I be put in art lessons. It turned out to be something I had a natural propensity for, and soon everyone told me that I should be an artist.
It took quite a few years for me to agree to follow God's leading in my education, and during those years I wandered. It seemed that everything I enjoyed doing lost its flavor; all was tasteless to me in those years. I lost my joy in my art; it became a burden to me until I came to the conclusion that I could never be a full-time artist because it felt like it was destroying me from the inside. Finally I realized that I would never find peace until I did what God wanted me to do and went where He wanted me to go, so I sent in my application, still unsure that I could cut it but sure that I couldn't handle running any longer.
Thus began my time at seminary. From that first semester I began accruing friends at an alarming pace - to me at least! Now I have more friends than I have toes, and I haven't lost any yet (toes that is). In the book of Mark, Jesus says, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age."** I have found this true, and I am now surrounded by hundreds of brother and sisters in Christ who care for me and I for them. Now some of them are moving on, following God's call on their lives, and I am the one who must remain behind. I cannot deny that part of me envies them their adventure as I plug-on on this path He has laid before me while another part aches at the loss of their companionship. Yet I know I will never be alone, for the God who accompanied me in my years of wanderings will remain my comfort. Whoever I am, I am His; He will not leave me. I have found joy in life again - and in my art. I know I am where He wants me, and that is the best place to be.

*Isaiah 6:8, **Mark 10:29-30

Ode to the Calzone

What is there in the world more beautiful than a perfect calzone?
I am serious. It has all the wonder of a pizza, but with double the bread! It is a work of pure genius, a work of art! I had one today that was close to perfection. I won't say that it was perfection because then I would have to admit that all subsequent calzones would not be as good - but it was a bit (or a bite) of heaven!

I am always very thankful that God made us need food. What would life would be like without food and the need to eat? No more gathering around the dinner table with family and friends, and what about Baptist churches? There would be no potluck socials. Churches would fall apart with out the casseroles that bind them together. I jest, but how wonderful that God gave us food - and tasty food at that.

He did not have to give us flavors and smells and colors. We would never have noticed their absence. Yet, He did. He blessed us not only with life, but with life filled with colors and sounds and smells, and most of all, tasty things to eat! God, you rock! Your grace is evident in every moment of our lives - if we but look (or taste).

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."
Psalm 34:8

The Color of Your Heart

Backroad Rambler took this "What Are the Colors of Your Heart" quiz, so I thought I would too. And here I always thought my heart was reddish and squishy! I don't know that the quiz results at all reflects anything about me, but I like the them.

It makes me think of that verse in Proverbs that says that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.* Another verse says to keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life.**
It made me wonder if I really guard my heart as I should.

I recently read Warrior Preacher's post on security. I guard a lot of things - I keep my iPod close at hand... I am a rabid door-locker.... I guard my privacy like a Secret Service agent - but do I guard my heart? If you read these verses, it looks like the biggest isn't from without but within. Its not enough to make sure the perimeter is secure - you have to make sure that sedition isn't fomenting in the insides of your heart. I'm afraid that often I just do a perimeter check and don't do a careful walk-through of my heart, going thought by thought, feeling by feeling. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll find if I look too close.

Well, enough musings. Here are the results of the quiz:

Your Heart is Blue and Orange

Your heart is bright and brilliant. You are knowledgeable, wise, and confident. You bring dynamism and sparkle to relationships. You know how to keep your partner hanging on your every word.

What Are the Colors of Your Heart?

*Proverbs 23:7, **Proverbs 4:23

Sunrise

I love sunrises. I never knew that before - I'm not much of a morning person. The night has always been my favorite part of the day, but recently I started a new job where I have to go to work long before daybreak. It is so still and silent before the world wakes. The darkness is like a shroud, covering the sleeping city. Then a distant grayness edges the eastern sky, like a faint premonition of the coming day. Suddenly the sun slips his shining head over the crust of the earth. The birds shout for joy, their voices nature's herald. The city stirs, stretches its arms, and wakes. And thus, in a moment, day has come. It is hard to remember the still slumber and the darkness of the night in the light of the bustling day. It seems as if it had never been, as if it were but a dream. It is hard to remember the darkness in the presence of the light.
I think that often as Christians, we forget the darkness that was ours before the coming of the Light. We forget what we were, who we were, before Him. We look at those still under the shroud of the darkness of this world, and we forget that they cant see as we can see, for they have no Light. We expect them to live by our standards, but why would they?
Often in this we increase the darkness that they are living in, for in our disgust we fail to let His light shine through us. Do we walk in the light as He is in the light? Do I?
My only hope is that I am not what I will be when He is done with me. Then we will not see as through a glass darkly, but face to face.*

*1st Corinthians 13:12